


Attention Crown Citzens

by TheFuzzySockAlchemist (WhatsInAName99)



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Gen, Mentions of Sex, Pissed off Chocobros, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-21 22:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9568706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatsInAName99/pseuds/TheFuzzySockAlchemist
Summary: An internet sensation known as shipping has taken Insomnia by storm.  The Prince and his Crownsguard address the kingdom in regards to this.





	1. Gladio on GladNoct

**Author's Note:**

> I cannot stress enough that this is CRACK and was written for fun. One look at my faves and bookmarks will tell you I am a shameless shipper. I ship Gladnis and Promptis but support all chocobro shipping (if the ship involves Ignis I will probably read it because how can you not want to give that man some smexy luvin!) This stupid little upload is not meant to try to sink anyone's ship, it's just for fun, please take it as such. If you are overly defensive of your otp, this fic is not for you.

Hey writers! Listen up!

First off, the Ameticia family has loyally served the royal line for generations. We are the King's Shield (I capitalized that because it's an official damn title) sworn to stand by the side of the Crown and fight to defend him until our dying breath.

In what bass ackwards universe does any of that include fucking?

Now, part of defending the prince is teaching him to defend himself. So I won't lie, when we spar I don't hold back because God's know his enemies won't. It get's rough, it get's sweaty, I end up on top of him and vice versa, we get pissed off at each other and it gets heated.

And there are those citizens that think that things are getting "heated" in a sexual way?!?! What the actual hell!?

No. Just No. I. Am. Not. Fucking. NOCTIS!!!

Especially the way you nutjobs write (and DRAW!) it, either like I'm some kind of predator who can't resist the urge to jump the royal bones, or like he's some kind of sexual deviant who would take advantage of his position of power and seduce me. That sentence made my stomach turn by the way.

Seriously, just stop. If I pounced the prince like you seem to think is so damn hot, I would get locked up or worse for assault. I know you (usually) write him as consenting, but that wouldn't matter. You don't fuck the prince in the ass. Period. End of story. Especially if your literal JOB is to protect said ass. Now stop writing this shit before you get me arrested. Thanks.

-Gladiolus Ameticia

PS: The bokens in the training room are for sword training. NOTHING ELSE! That's just NASTY!!!!


	2. Prompto on Promptis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite what I say here, I will go down with this ship!!!!!

Hi, guys!

I feel like talking to you about a few things. A lot of you think it's all "kawaii" and what not to ship me me with Noctis. My best friend....

Eeeeeeeeeeewww!

Look, the last thing I want to do is break anyone's heart here, but I don't exactly have a choice anymore. At first I tried to have a sense of humor about it, but now it's actually becoming a problem.

The first and simplest reason why Noct and I aren't...you know...is I'm not into guys. People like who they like and that's all cool, but I'm just about as straight as you get. If you haven't noticed, I kinda turn into a giant moron around pretty girls. I pretty openly drool over myself around Cindy and Arenea, so...yeah. There's that.

(Wait, is Iris legal? Please tell me she's legal...oh shit don't let Gladio see this he'll SO murder me!)

The second and biggest reason is that even if I was gay or even bi, Noct is Crown Prince, and I'm just some plebe who's lucky to even be friends with Noct, who, by the way, is engaged to the spectacularly gorgeous Luna. No joke, I'm pretty sure disrupting a royal betrothal constitutes treason.

The last reason is the reason I'm almost positive I'll die a virgin. I don't exactly like talking about this but...here goes nothing. Sex typically involves getting naked. Like...totally naked. I used to be fat. Like...really fat. There's still stretch marks left over and they're supper nasty to look at. Also there's...just trust me on this, okay? It's just a no-go across the board.

Wow. That got real there for a minute. I thought the author was supposed to be having fun with this!

So I'm not sleeping with Noct, okay? That would just be so many kinds of weird.

-Prompto Argentum

PS: Seriously, is Iris legal? Don't tell Gladio....


	3. Ignis on IgNoct

To the authors of fanfiction,

I am, as you are most likely aware, Adviser to His Highness, Prince Noctis. My duties to the prince include keeping his schedule, relaying official correspondence from the royal court and offering personal and professional council. When the situation calls, I am fully trained to act alongside Gladiolus Ameticia to fight in the princes defense. I also often perform tasks outside of my official job description including cooking and driving.

These tasks do not, in any way, include sex acts.

I feel the need to clarify this as it has come to my attention as of late that an internet community known as "fandom" has begun the (unsettling) trend of depicting myself and His Highness engaging in a myriad of nefarious deeds by way of both illustrated and written works. This concerns me for multiple reasons.

First and foremost, the prince is engaged to be married. My duty is, in part, to keep Noctis focused on HIS duty. Having a sexual affair with him would be nonconducive to readying him for marriage and becoming king.

And before you attempt to make the (ridiculous) point yourselves, I am NOT "readying him for marriage" by providing a learning experience in the bedroom. Should the prince desire such a relationship, he may find a woman who understands his position and hers and I would look the other way. I'm his adviser not his mother (Gods rest her soul) and most assuredly not his lover.

Honestly, what did I just write and why was I forced to write it? Astrals save me!

Simply put, sexual relations between myself and His Highness would be a betrayal of not only my duty but his trust as well. Furthermore, I am not at liberty to further discuss the princes personal interactions, hypothetical or otherwise. Thank you for your time and I trust you will refrain from any future so-called "shipping" of myself and Noctis.

-Ignis Sciencia

PS: Soup ladles are to be used for no other purpose than ladling soup. Frankly I wonder at times what has become of this world!


End file.
